How fast we went from pimple cream to the Polident era. The next bend in the Middle Age Road is old age. We are being overlooked for jobs. We are not asked to model swimwear unless the legs of the swimsuit are made of some kind of support hose. We are the last to be chosen when the neighbors’ kids need someone for their team. People behind the counter call us “honey” or “sweetie” and they don’t even know us.
Our 401(k) shrank like our sweaters, and insurance policies are going up so fast our blood pressure can’t keep up.
Life in our middle ages consists of blood pressure pills, vitamins, eyedrops, water pills and fiber supplements. Our youthful flexibility is replaced with less agility. We don’t bend that well any more, it’s a health risk — it’s not covered by insurance. We even see things differently — the eyes get fuzzy so we are given industrial-strength glasses, which makes us trip trying to focus. We are consoled by being told “to get used to them.” Meanwhile we are on crutches because we have fallen several times. We buy a $5,000 term insurance policy; our beneficiaries will hardly be able to afford a wood casket on a 30-month plan. I guess they’ll have to strap us on the luggage rack like the Griswold family’s deceased aunt in the movie “National Lampoon’s Vacation.”
Midlife — wow — how can we look for artifacts through cataracts?
Then there is forgetfulness. You forgot to put the trash out and you have two weeks of coffee grounds, leftover pizza, and if that’s not enough, when you step out of the doorway with your Snoopy and Charlie Brown PJs, the uppity president of the condo association drives by.
Hey folks, welcome to the world of lumbar support and linament!